Sometimes I Should Just Stay in Bed.

Yesterday was a little nuts, and it bled into this morning. I'm blaming Abigail.

We had a great time at Willamette Mission park. We walked in the rain and rode the ferry. When we got home, Abby was wet and tired. So, I took off her wet pants, changed her diaper, and put her down for a nap.

She woke up crying a couple of hours later. When I went into her room, she was NE-kid from the waist down, laying in a puddle of peepers. She took her diaper off, the little stinker. Into the bath she went. "Great," I thought, " she's all bathed for the evening, so I can make it to bookclub with no worries and Neal can go to his meetings."

She never did recover from being pissed off at the situation. The rest of the evening was piled high with Abby causing trouble and screaming. She pushed the chair up to the kitchen sink and played in the water. When I ended that, she freaked. Then, she went outside with Kate to play with the dog. Neal found her with the hose turned on full blast, playing in mud and soaking wet. It was cold outside, too! By the time I left for book club, she was standing at the couch playing with her cars (that's code for "I'm pooping). I just told Sarah, "Abby's pooping, I'm leaving. Change her diaper, and I want you all in bed by 8." She had everyone, including herself, down by 7:45. Sarah is a super star. Seriously!!

Now, just one blankie isn't good enough for Abby. She wants all four blankets wherever she goes in the house. And if she can't drag them all at the same time, she goes into nuclear melt-down.

At breakfast this morning, Sarah dropped her bowl of cereal on the floor just as we were getting ready for scripture study. She soaked my sexy crocks, so I ended up in stocking feet. Which caused me to have a near-fatal fall in the kitchen, in front of the whole family. They thought it was pretty funny. I didn't find it too funny, since I'm suffering mildly from my monthly "bookclub hangover."

As I sat down for scriptures, I put my forearms in sticky syrup from last night. Kate did a great job wiping off the table!!

Abby didn't like the fiber fart bar I gave her for breakfast, so she spit a trail of it all over the kitchen floor, and was wiping off her tongue with an anti-bacterial cleaning wipe. I think she gets those mixed up with the milder butt wipes.

This was all before 7 this morning.

But, I made myself feel much better by scaring Neal in the shower. I threw open the shower door and threw an empty cup at him, making him think it was cold water. Remember, we do that in our house, and the rule is, you can't get mad. You should have seen that naked flinch!! He flung shaving cream from his razor all over my hand. We're lucky he didn't slice his face with his spastic hands!

Then, the event that made ALL my grouchies go away --- Kate was showing me her googly bracelets (those things are retarded, by the way). I was a little mystified by the following picture.

Kate says it's an axe. I beg to differ. What, do they have child molesters making those things? I KNEW those gay bracelets were a waste of money.

And I just think this next picture is cute.

Especially Neal's old, original "The Empire Strikes Back" quilt. Back in like 1980, Neal's mom bought some Star Wars sheets and made a quilt out of them. It's a favorite blanket at our house.

Everyone Needs a Ballsy Sister

My ballsy sister is Laurel. My ballsy sister knows all about Bernard. My ballsy sister was at Costco on Saturday with me and my other sister. When we got to the check out stands, my ballsy sister started saying, quite loudly, "Bernard! Bernard? Are you working today? Bernard!" Then, my ballsy sister asked our checker where Barnard was. The checker said that Bernard was awesome, and that he might be pumping gas, if he was working, that is.

We head out to Laurel's van. Oh crap! I forgot to buy the dishwasher soap that I had a coupon for. But I DID remember the apple turnovers. MMMMM! I headed back into the store, while La and Angie went to get gas. When we met back up, I was greeted by the ballsy sister and Angie, who were giggling quite ferociously. This is the picture I saw on Angie's phone.

This is the story. They got to the gas pump, and I'm sure they immediately recognized Bernard. Who doesn't? When was the last time anyone had a hot guy pumping their gas? Probably never. Laurel got out of the van, walked up to Bernard and said, "Can I take your picture? My sister and I are from Utah, and our sister that lives in Oregon has a huge crush on you. She once took a picture of you with her cell phone and put it on her blog. We need to get a better picture. Thanks!!"

And Bernie posed for the picture.

Laurel said that he looked really embarrassed and a bit mystified. Angie was squirming in her seat because she was afraid Bernard thought that she was the crushing sister.

When I returned to the van and heard the story, Laurel was trying to do a drive by at the pumps again. I was mortified!! And I would not let it happen. NO WAY!! I shop at the Costco, and as much as I like the Nard Dog, I would be mortified if he ever knew. Then I could never get my free samples and plus-sized bottles of Pantene again. I couldn't risk that.

Later that night, we were slumming at the Target. Angie and Laurel, of course, were trying on hats. They made me try one on too. Amber, one of my old, beloved Laurel's, was working that night and snapped this photo of us.

I either look like a lesbian, or Patty Hurst. Can't decide which.

And Laurel bought that MJ hat. But not the gloves. Although she now regrets that.

Oh, and Angie and Laurel whole-heartedly agreed that Bernard IS a handsome devil.

Squeeze Those Cheeks! It's Your Birthday!

Mom: Kate, I always love how you are so excited on your birthday. It makes it really fun.

Kate: Yeah, I'm so excited, that I just can't stop squeezing my butt cheeks together!


Now that, my friends, is excitement. Want to know what else is exciting? A whirlwind of a weekend with my sisters Laurel and Angie and their combined 5 kids. My cheeks are recovering from laughing. Both butt, and face. Going to Roth's and Target late at night with my two sisters made for some fun shenanigans. I'm surprised we weren't kicked out, considering the encounter with the yams in the produce department, and the activation of all the dancing mummies on the Target Halloween aisle. And the major splash zone in the parking lot, and the hat section at target with the lesbian sister picture. . . . There were lots of leg-crossing laughs going on. And we weren't even drunk!!

And that's just the Angie and Laurel induced laughs. There was a whole other laugh fest when you put those boys of Angie's in the mix. And a couple of late nights with them showing us/acting out hilarious youtube videos. And the incident with Bryant in his undies, showing us his stripling warrior moves. I've decided it best not to post those pictures. This is not a blog where I post pictures of my 15 year old nephew in his underwears. But, you get the picture.

Kate and her new toy. I'm quite enjoying it too, I must say.

Hola, Pedro!

And Pedro number 2!

See Sarah's face? That's what we did all weekend. Thanks mostly to Bryant.

I love my nieces and nephews. Addie is the cutest little thing. That was a fun couch-chill, can't you tell?

Ahhhh, getting in the spirit for Kate's baptism. Two out of the three digging for gold. Not too bad. Every time we tell Abby to "say cheese," she sticks her finger up her nose.

That's more like it. There was another baptism scheduled before ours. We didn't know that. A bit frustrating, as they were still heating up the RS room when our baptism was about to start. But, alles gutte. In the mean time, we sent the kids to the nursery to get their wiggles out.
This is Liam. If anyone wonders how I remember Laurel looking as a baby, just look at her boy. Identical! Right down to those brows!
Contemplating baptism.



Say Cheese!! Double cheese burger!
Spencer painting Addie's nails. Story on that dress -- It's Laurel's from when she was a kiddo, and Addie uses it for dress-ups. Only she wanted to wear it to the baptism and was very disappointed when her mom said no.

I love this next candid shot.

Looks like I'm telling Neal what's goin' down and how things are gonna be. And he's just silently, patiently taking it. I have no idea what we were talking about, but I like to imagine I was up to my bossing.

We had a wonderful weekend. It went by much to quickly.

Coming Soon -- BERNARD IN HD!!!! For realsies.

Higher than a Kite

Secret Clinical strength anti-perspirant -- you lie.

Target janitors -- sorry for the popcorn trail through the store today. Abby needs her popcorn, and I need the diet coke. All that for $1.50! The Keizer Target layout is a little different than my old Target, so I had to wander lots today, which made the trail cover most of the aisles. I hope the pay is ok.

TrueGreen Lawn care man -- I think you were stoned today. Really. You scared me and you smelled like my grandpa after he had been working in his garden. It's a good smell memory when I think of my grandpa, but on you, Mr. Stoner, it's kinda gross. And your chest hairs were crawling out of the top of your shirt. Just like Mr. Man's, but I like Mr. Man's chest hairs, not yours.

Neal -- you're going to love your birthday on Thursday. The new tv and blue ray and speakers will be here on Wednesday. No more watching the 500 pound broken tv. And I'm making you bacon, eggs, potatoes and pancakes for breakfast. AND, a roast, mashed potatoes, cheezy biscuits, token veggies and a pie for dinner. AND, I won't make you work out for your birthday, but you may want to earn all that food. . .

Kate -- you're going to love your birthday on Thursday. Your electric guitar and mini amp is hiding out in the garage (good thing you don't read this blog). And, some of your cousins are showing up for your baptism on Saturday. I can't wait. It's like it's my birthday too because Laurel and Angie are driving here with their kids. Totally awesome!
.
Kitchen -- I wish you could do a Jetson and make our dinner tonight. I'm just not feeling it.

Lost and Found

Poor Kate and her damn urethra. She had a less than stellar first day of school. Sadly, she is recovering from yet another bladder infection, and on day four of yet another round of anti-biotics. First day of second grade, new school, doesn't know a single kid in her class, and she had to go to the bathroom 5 times during the day. It was embarrassing for her. I asked her why she didn't tell the teacher she wanted to come home. Duh, mom. Why would I want to miss the first day of school? Now, on to the uncomfortable bladder reflux testing. I'm not looking forward to that, and I'm sure Kate isn't either.

As if that wasn't bad enough, when I picked her up and we were walking home, she ran her hand along a wooden rail fence and got a couple of nasty slivers. Who likes a sliver? NO ONE, that's who! Slivers suck.

You know that feeling when you're in bed, asleep, and suddenly you realize someone is standing next to your bed and is just inches away from your face? Scares the crap out of me every time! The other night, we stayed up late to watch Percy Jackson. There were some scary characters in that show. Anyway, I was startled awake by a Kate-sized dark figure standing next to my bed. I jumped, clutched my heart, stifled the urge to pee, and said, "Kate! You scared the CRAP out of me!"

Kate then said, "Mom! That movie scared the crap out of ME! Can I sleep on your floor?"

Of course you can.

Speaking of kids not sleeping in their own beds, Sarah had some episodes this summer when I would wake up and find her asleep on my bedroom floor, or in Kate and Abby's room on the floor. Curiously, it began soon after my mother was in town, and told the kids all of the scary stories I grew up with. Of course, Sarah denied being wussy and needing "company" when she slept. But I know the truth.

Good news alert!! Over 2 years ago, Sarah lost her scriptures at church. We hunted everywhere for those things. The day after they went missing, I went to the church, checked the library, coat racks, lobby areas, seminary cupboards, scout closets, kitchen -- EVERYWHERE!! They were gone. Sarah was sick about it. She told us that she was praying really hard to find her scriptures. She knew that if she prayed, they would turn up, "right, mom?" Of course, I told her "yep!" Then Neal and I prayed that she would find them, because we would hate to have her faith shattered, know what I mean? There are all of those stories in The Friend about kids praying to find stuff, and she'd been reading that, so it had better work! Sarah even suggested that we fast that she would find them. We did. Boy, I hoped it would work.

Last Sunday, I was sitting in the lobby with bratty Abby. Sister M. from the other ward (we're in a different building now than the one the scriptures were lost at) came up to me and handed me a scripture case. "Do these look familiar?" she said. Holy Crap! No, seriously, HOLY (cuz we're at church and all) CRAP! There they were!! Sister M. said that she was cleaning out her son's room when she found them. What the? How the? Never mind how, this is AWESOME!!

Needless to say, Sarah was very excited!! She didn't have to use dad's old scriptures anymore. I'm headed up to Portland to the Mormon bookstore (that I hate -- worthy of a post in and of itself) next week to buy Kate her scriptures for her baptism, and was going to get Sarah a new set. Now I don't have to! Score! I'll just stop at Trader Joe's instead and buy another 1 pound bar of chocolate. My other pound is gone.

Maybe I Should Just Do It Myself

Once Upon a Mother. . .

I could never have looked out my kitchen window and smiled at this scene. And let it continue.

Nope. I couldn't have done it. I don't know why. It was delightful to watch.

And delightful to clean up. Especially when she kept saying, "That tickles!"

For some reason, I let my mother panties get into a wad over much less than I used to back in the early days of motherdom.

And it's not just the orange pill.

My kids, and my brother Ryan's kids. We had fun! Their baby is the best baby on the planet. She never cries. Just smiles in contentment. And she's a squishy, soft baby, too.

Ryan, Camie, Ethan, Hannah and baby Mia.

Ben Franklin ain't got nothin on me!

When we go to the beach, or anywhere else wide and open for that matter, Abby runs and runs. And she doesn't stop. Unless she face-plants it into the sand. The only marks she leaves, besides that one face mark, is 5 little toes. She's quick, that one is!


The moment of impact.

Sarah is giving some crusty looks to Harry Potter and the Half-Blood prince. Maybe it's because she's read it 80 times and already knows how it ends? Her nose was stuck in a book for the entire summer. Not much fluting going on. Just reading.

School starts tomorrow. Oh, I'm so happy! See the dumb look on this animal's face? I've seen this look on my children more than once this summer. I think they've regressed a bit in their academics.

Maybe Neal has too. Sunday morning was a little hectic as we readied for church. First off, it was Fast Sunday, which makes for some air-headedness. Neal just happened to be home in the morning, so I used him to help me get the kids ready. I asked him to feed Abby breakfast. Check.

Then I asked him to pack Abby's diaper bag. Don't forget lunch food -- grapes, string cheese, pretzels, milk. Nice, chapel-friendly snacks.

Me: Is her bag packed?

Neal: Um, not yet. I forgot. I'm on my way.

Ten minutes till departure. The bag is not packed.

Repeat: Please pack the diaper bag. Don't forget lunch food -- grapes, string cheese, pretzels, milk. Nice, chapel-friendly snacks.

Neal: Oh, sorry, yeah (he was at the table helping my nephew assemble some Buzz Lightyear legos).

Repeat: Please pack the diaper bag. Don't forget lunch food -- grapes, string cheese, pretzels, milk. Nice, chapel-friendly snacks.

At church in Sacrament Meeting, I rummage through the bag. A zip lock baggie stuffed full of dry cheerios and a sippy cup of water.

Me: (church whisper, with a hint of irritation and crusty) Is this all the food you packed??

Neal: Yeah

Me: I told you more than once to pack some lunch.

Neal: Oh yeah. Um, sorry.

Meanwhile, Abigail is shoving the cheerios in her mouth like she's starving. Seriously, fistfulls into her mouth. It was rather messy.

Me: What did you feed her for breakfast?

Neal: (small pause as he looks at the baggie of cheerios) Um, cheerios?

When we got home from church, Abigail ate a lot.

Man/Lady Mixed-Up

My children have an obsession with hobo's. Maybe it's because there are lots of them around. There's the guy by the winco with the little arm with a hook finger. Then there's the lady by the walmart who always has a sign that says "ran out of gas. Need to get to Eugene." But they don't have anything on the man who trolls the Market Street freeway exit. You see, he has long, red hair, wears high heels, mini skirts, and sequined spaghetti strap tops. Really. I think he gets good business too.

We were waiting at the light a couple of days ago. Kate saw the man. Her window was down. She stuck her head out the window and yelled, "HEY YOU! YOU'RE A MAN/LADY MIXED UP!!"

As funny as it was, I was very embarrassed. Yikes. That kid has some nerve.

My brother and his wife and kids are in town for the weekend! We're excited to spend some time with them. I'm sure we'll have a great weekend!