Gopher Guts

Great Green Globs of Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts, and I Forgot My Spoon. . .

Yes, we've all seen the guts of a gopher now, thanks to Neal. On Saturday, Molly the dog (we now have a dog. She's great.) kept digging at a spot in our yard. It was annoying. Neal noticed that it looked like a gopher hole. I kind of didn't believe him. Then, he sees a gopher come out and look around. Out comes the hose. After flooding the joint, we see a gopher start to emerge. It's at that point that I say, "I can't look, I'm outsky!" Kate comes running over, "What? What?" and I'm like, "Don't go over there Kate! Dad is about to kill a gopher."

Of course she goes running over there just in time to see Neal chop it in half with a shovel. The kids were mesmerized. I felt sickish in my stomach. So did Neal. He's a lover, not a fighter. The part-indian in him felt guilty and bad all evening (is that racist?). But we can't have a gopher living in our yard where we're planting a garden. Sorry, little gopher. No photos, please.

That was an exciting part of the weekend. Oh, and Sarah made it home from camp on Saturday. She had a great time. Thank you, thank you to the leaders for making it all possible.

Ah, the Loser sign. Kate's constant hand signal.

I took Kate and Abby to the zoo on Friday. It was fun. Although freakishly crowded. Parking at that place is a nightmare. Kate and I finally parked on the side of the road up over a mountain. That was after we had looked for a parking spot for 45 minutes. Then a zoo worker gets out a sign that says, "LOT FULL." I ask him where I'm to park. He says I can get back on the freeway, go down two exits, and ride the bus. "Screw that!" I think to myself. By the time we were walking about a mile to the zoo, I was pretty bugged. But I couldn't let it rub off on my 'excited to be at the zoo' kids. So I had to Pollyanna it up and start playing the glad game with Kate. We ended up having fun.

Abby wouldn't look at the vulture. It was hilarious. Those birds are freaky ugly. Oh, and I tried to get to the zoo in time for the bird show (my favorite), but it was cancelled because of a concert. Ugggh!! It wasn't shaping up to be my day. But Pollyanna helped that. Lucky for us, they were showing off some of the birds as consolation. I like birds.

What's with the fat grown ups hogging the glass by all the displays? It was annoying. I wanted to poke their butts and say, "Move over bacon! My kids can't see the otters!"

Death by Morton

The old house. 1,000 square feet gets to feeling small when your children grow bigger and more loud.

The new house. So far, so good. Lots of snail-trails in the morning.

I'm grateful that salt is cheap. Once upon a time, you know, salt was a hot commodity. Valuable like gold and jewels and stuff. I'm glad it's like the cd player and flat screen tv's - gets cheaper with time. So I don't mind so much when my children execute snails with the help of Mr. Morton.

However, I DO mind when I find that their method of slug-extraction from the shell is with a fork. A fork that we use regularly for food-to-mouth travel.

Speaking of salt, I broke my salt shaker. Dang! Now I feel like I need to buy a whole new set so that the pepper grinder and salt shaker match. Seems crazy when the pepper grinder works perfectly fine. The dilemmas of being practical. Sometimes it's just too much for my brain to handle.

Apparently there are some people who don't agree with my liking to Bernard. Or "Nard," as you are so affectionately (and hilariously) calling him. Ok, so the picture makes him look lurpy. But I swear to you, he's hot. Salem is not known for it's beautiful people. So "Nard" is a stand-out for sure. If I see him again, I will risk my costco membership to get a better picture of him.

Crush

I have a crush. His name is Bernard. He works at Costco. It's not an illicit crush, because Neal and my children know all about him. "Bernard was at Costco today!!! I'm so glad I got to see him!"

They have mixed feelings about him. I, however, do not.

For about 2 years now, I look for him every time I go there. I've told my friends about him, but they don't believe me, because they have never seen Bernard. Sucks for them. They thought I was making him up. But no, here is proof! (Bernard is NOT the guy chewing his fingers) I was pretending to text while I snapped a picture of his handsomeness. It didn't turn out too well, because I was nervous I would be found out. Then they would kick me out of Costco for stalking their most handsome employee. In fact, he's the most handsome man I've ever seen in the flesh. Too bad he works at Costco. And too bad his parents named him Bernard. I wonder if he goes by Bernie?

Neal and I each have a grandpa that was in World War II. Last night at the dinner table, we were discussing some stories about them. Kate thought we were talking about Grandpa Gil.

Kate: Grandpa Gil was in World War II, right?

Me: No. He was a rancher, so he had important work to do here at home, so he wasn't drafted into the war.

Kate: Oh, so he was in World War I?

Me: No.

Kate: World War Zero?

You Know, I Need You.

I spent Monday cleaning windows inside and out. It's a good thing I did! Now Abby can lick them without worrying about the grime.

Sarah is turning into a teenager more and more. A nap on Saturday afternoon. Very odd for this one. She's always up at the butt crack of dawn. But she actually was still asleep this morning at 7 when I went in to get her up for scripture study.

She also has this habit of sleeping with her hair all in her face. It's funny. I call her Chewbacca. When she wakes in the morning, it looks like she spent all night ratting her hair. I don't know how she does it. But she does it.

Summer is off to a great start. It's 60 degrees out and nice and cloudy. We have yet to have a warm day. Come on, sun! You spend all winter getting your butt kicked by the clouds. Now, when the earth's tilt is OPTIMAL for your potency, especially here at the 45th parallel, you go and hide behind the clouds! What is your problem? Are you depressed? Heart-broken? Wimpy? Keep this up, and I'm going to freak! I need you. So bad.

I Didn't Shoot Him Dead, You See

I teach the 8 year olds in Primary. I love it. They are so entertaining. Yesterday, I held up a picture of Moses holding the 10 commandments. I asked the kids who the guy was. Most of them guessed correctly. Then, I asked what he was holding. This cute boy, who is a male version of Kate, said, "Grave stones!!" I laughed my "not-a-church-laugh."

On the way out to the car, Neal and I did our customary "race home." We're at a different building now, and we both have our own ideas about which way is fastest. When we would race home from our old building, Neal would always win. Even when I thought I was ahead, he would pull some crazy move and pass me dangerously. He also sped. I wouldn't speed -- very much.

Yesterday, I yelled across the parking lot to him, "I'll go my way, you go yours. I KNOW my way is the best. And NO speeding allowed!"

Then Kate yelled across the parking lot, "Yeah Dad! No speeding!! Mom doesn't want you to get another ticket and waste all our money! And then you'll go to juvie!" Keep in mind, she was yelling. After church. With the "going home" crowd present in the parking lot. There were some giggles. I guess it's good to get everyone acquainted with Kate. And Neal hasn't had a speeding ticket in like 5 years, so I don't know what Kate was talking about. And where the heck did Kate learn what juvie was? Anyway. . .

We were off. I totally beat him. We were almost in the house by the time he got home. Loser!

On the way home from school (I'm shuttling the kids to their old schools till the end of the school year. Good thing the last day is tomorrow. Finally!), the radio was on. It was Bob Marley, "I Shot the Sheriff." All of my children are familiar with Bob, as well as our friends, George, John, Paul and Ringo. Sarah was singing along. I noticed she was off. "What are you saying?"

She sang, "I shot the sheriff! But I didn't shoot him dead, you see."

That was a good one.

Move Over, Bacon! Now There's Something Meatier!

We left the zip code.


Kirk did not survive the move. I'm so sorry, Kirk. I'm so sorry, Neal. You loved this mug. It was nice for milk to dip those cookies, or wash down those late-night saltines. I had to call Neal at work to apologize.

We have survived our move. And, I finally have the internets back in my abode. That's a good thing. I sat for 5 minutes trying to figure out how to look up a phone number without the interweb. Then, I remembered that it was still possible to let the finger's do the talking, and actually used a phone book. I'm retarded.

We love our new house. It's more than twice the size of the old one, so I'm burning lots of calories running around everywhere. I'll post pictures soon.

Moving is always adventurous. Abby got really sick the day we moved. I took her to the doctor, and they said she was fine. I was in again today with her, and she has ear infections. Dang co-pay.

A couple of days before the big move, I took Kate's bed apart and just put the mattress on the floor for her to sleep on. She was so excited because she "gets to be a hobo!!" She was hoping she could be a hobo in the new house, too. But, some kind men from our new ward set up all our beds and the crib the night we moved in. Awesome!

Sarah was rooting around in her new room and discovered a few treasures in her window seal. A barrette, a lego, and a silver-capped molar tooth.

There are always 3 rites to a new house christening. The first sex, the first barf on the new carpet, and the first pee on the carpet. So far, we've had 2. That does not include the pee. Abby decided to barf on the carpet. Thank you, child. I'm sure the pee is coming soon, from a pottie-training child.

In the move, the kids discovered many long-lost toys that we had hiding in the attic to give to Abigail this Christmas. They also found that playmobil nativity set. They were playing with it again. Kate said, "Mom, since you won't let us call the baby 'Jesus,' we're just going to call him 'Hay-sus.'"

"No you're not." I said.

Kate said, "What about Jay-sus?"

And, we survived our first testimony meeting in our new ward. I remember when I was 12 and we moved 4 houses down the street. It literally put us in a whole new stake. Our first Sunday was Fast and Testimony meeting. It was crazy-train. My mom still brings it up now and again. Our new ward testimony meeting was a little on the crazy-train side, too. But just a little. Not any more than every other ward out there. At one point, there was a guy bearing his testimony, and he said something that made it sound like he had a lisp. Sarah said, "Mom, does that guy have a lisp?"

I knew the guy and knew that he didn't have a lisp.

Then, Sarah shocked the socks right off of me. She whispered in my ear, "I may have a lithp, but you have a big ath!"

Under the Dresser

You never know what you will find when you move the kids dresser out. Piles of junk, tiny polly pocket shoes and accessories, and a pair of poopy undies. So nice. I love the kind of clean that comes with moving.


Every Memorial Day, I run out to check the mail, then open the box and realize, "Dang! It's a holiday." Then I hope none of the neighbors saw me waste a walk out to the mailbox (in the rain, of course). But yesterday, I remembered not to check the mail. Progress!

We spent the holiday at Neal's grandparents house. They live near Eugene, and have horses and sheep and bunnies and dogs and a scary kitty. We had a great time. The girls loved it. Especially Abigail.

That is not my hairy arm. It's the Daddy.

I learned how to make a brick of sugar! Store your sugar in a number 10 can from the church cannery. Just before you seal it up, put a little moisture absorption pack on top. When you go to use your sugar, it will be as hard as a rock! Note to self: don't put those packets in the sugar. Here's to chopping up the sugar storage.

One of the things the kids love about moving is using the sharpies on boxes. Kate wrote "L" for loser all over Sarah's boxes. So, Sarah wrote on Kate's boxes. Kate always says, "Live long and prosper, loser!" I like how Sarah put a smiley face next to the insult.

Last Sunday, we went to our new ward. They got a dose of the Abby during sacrament meeting. Yikes. We made an impression, I think.

I love text messaging. There's nothing like getting a text from your sister chronicaling her daughter's sharty underwear. Good thing those undies come in packs of 10!